I have the angry music playing today.\u00a0 The heart-pounding, I would like to scream, but I’m at work so I can’t kind of music.\u00a0 The kind that dries my angry tears and lets me get back to business.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Specifically, I have an earworm from Linkin Park.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“In the end, nothing really matters.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I have been fighting an uphill battle lately with anxiety and panic attacks.\u00a0 Just when I think I have a handle on it, BAM, it smacks me again out of nowhere.\u00a0 I can’t identify my triggers, none of my coping mechanisms work consistently, and it wears me out.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But today, this is different.\u00a0 This is real.\u00a0 A dear sister from my support group entered hospice.\u00a0 Someone I have talked to, laughed with, cried with, and shared our stories.\u00a0 And now she is at the end.\u00a0 And I want to cry and scream at the unfairness, the wastefulness of it all.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I weep for her and what she is facing.\u00a0 I’m trying to imagine what is in her head and I know that I probably can only conjure half of it.\u00a0 Who can really know what they will feel at this moment?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I hurt for her family.\u00a0 I know the pain they suffer because I have been there myself.\u00a0 The hurt and sadness never really go away.\u00a0 The path to emotional healing is long.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I worry for so many of my other sisters.\u00a0 Some are early stage, some are stage 4.\u00a0 But we all know it can be one of us.\u00a0 If it can take Kelly, with her optimism and fighting spirit, it can come back for any of us.\u00a0 That is the reality that we try to forget until something like this pops up to remind us.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I fear for myself.\u00a0 That is selfish, I know.\u00a0 But what happens to me?\u00a0 I sit here every day, with the cold, dark fingers of anxiety tightening in my chest until I can’t breathe.\u00a0 How can I ever go back to a sane life?\u00a0 If it is all going to end way to soon?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But then I realize – life is life, no matter how crazy or sane.\u00a0 It does matter.\u00a0 Kelly siphoned out all the life she could, even after being diagnosed as terminal.\u00a0 She never thought of herself that way.\u00a0 That’s why we will remember her as a force to be reckoned with.\u00a0 There is no shame in the end of her journey, only an acceptance that our bodies can only endure so much.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So I will do the things in life that make me whole.\u00a0 And I will think of Kelly when I visit my happy place, Disney, which was also her happy place.\u00a0 I will continue to befriend the courageous women fighting this damned disease.\u00a0 We will share our stories, and we will be heard.\u00a0 We will be remembered.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
In the end, we will MAKE it all matter.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
For more info on navigating breast cancer, see our website, www.driventosurvive.org.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have the angry music playing today.\u00a0 The heart-pounding, I would like to scream, but I’m at work so I can’t kind of music.\u00a0 The kind that dries my angry tears and lets me get back to business. Specifically, I have an earworm from Linkin Park. “In the\u2026 Continue reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1044,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3,4],"tags":[29,16,63,51,59,93,20,28,89,37,94,19,34],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/pexels-photo-556658.jpeg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/868"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=868"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/868\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1045,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/868\/revisions\/1045"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1044"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=868"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=868"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=868"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}