Life is about choices.\u00a0 We face them everyday.\u00a0 Some of my hardest choices have been about cancer treatment.\u00a0 Is it aggressive enough?\u00a0 Is it worth the side effects?<\/p>\n
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When I was faced with my surgery options, I was frozen.\u00a0 I was numb.\u00a0 I was terrified.\u00a0 You name it.\u00a0 I had never imagined what I would think when faced with the prospect of a mastectomy,\u00a0 but I didn’t expect that.\u00a0 I had some first-hand observations.\u00a0 My mom had a mastectomy back when I was 4 or 5.\u00a0 I used to play with her prosthesis,\u00a0 and the need for it was not a mystery to me, even at that age.\u00a0 And that’s perhaps why the idea so petrified me at the last minute.<\/p>\n
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I followed my doctors’ advice.\u00a0 In the end, they told me I was a candidate for a lumpectomy,\u00a0 and left the decision up to me.\u00a0 I went with the lumpectomy.\u00a0 It made sense, or so I told myself.\u00a0 After all, it was an easier surgery with less recovery time.\u00a0 I likely wouldn’t need additional surgery.\u00a0 And most importantly – I didn’t have to make the hardest decision of my life.<\/p>\n
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Was it the best decision?\u00a0 I don’t know, although I try not to second guess myself.\u00a0 \u00a0It still was a legitimate decision based upon the information at the time.\u00a0 What I couldn’t have guessed at was the reality.\u00a0 I couldn’t have foretold that I would have to undergo a second surgery a week later to remove more lymph nodes.\u00a0 \u00a0I would not have predicted that I would end up with an incision that would split open, and not close up for nine months.\u00a0 It never would have occurred to me that I would end up with a fist-sized lump of scar tissue underneath a 2″ X 4″ scar that hurts constantly and is a great predictor of rain.\u00a0 Or a breast that shrank a size smaller than the healthy side after radiation.<\/p>\n
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I won’t say it’s bad, but my radiation oncologist refers to me as “the scar”.\u00a0 My plastic surgeon put it even more baldly, “What the hell did they do to you?”\u00a0 I’m really not concerned about the appearance, but I’m tired of it aching and hurting.\u00a0 And the nerve pain that it causes periodically in my arm.\u00a0 And the fact that it feels like one big lump, such that all my doctors tell me that they can’t feel if anything else is there.\u00a0 \u00a0When I first went for a consult with the plastic surgeon,\u00a0 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, if anything.\u00a0 \u00a0As I have followed up with him, my reaction has surprised me.\u00a0 I told him to reduce the mangled side as much as he can, as well as evening out the good side.\u00a0 I told him that even a mastectomy was on the table, if that was what it took.<\/p>\n
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The ease of that last statement shocked me.\u00a0 I’ve changed so much in the last two years.\u00a0 Losing my breasts is not the worst thing that can happen to me.\u00a0 I’ve met so many women who have faced this decision so much more bravely than me, and I realize now it’s not the end of the world.\u00a0 \u00a0I understand how important the rest of me is.\u00a0 And I know what a warrior my mom was, and I want to think I have a bit of that badassery in me.<\/p>\n
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So tomorrow is my surgery.\u00a0 Currently, it is a bilateral breast reduction that will hopefully make me more comfortable and pain free, as well as giving me peace of mind by removing some extra tissue.\u00a0 But I’m prepared for any outcome now or in the future.<\/p>\n
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My choice.\u00a0 Because I’m not ruled by fear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"