They always tell you it\u2019s your new normal.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
All I can say is, f#@k that. It\u2019s all a bloody betrayal.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The new normal after cancer is constant conflict. My body has turned on me, and I pretty much want to throat punch myself everyday from frustration. I have two major bouts going on.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
One is a daily argument with my body. Have things to get done today? Guaranteed that I will wake up with stiff joints, painful bones, and a feeling that my body weighs about 800 pounds overall. Plan to workout tonight? Yeah, right. The fatigue that hits me is so all-consuming that there is no \u201cpowering through it\u201d. Yes, I have tried. Sometimes I can, more often I can\u2019t. It\u2019s not normal \u201cI am tired\u201d fatigue. It is more the \u201cI will fall into a puddle on the floor if I don\u2019t lay down\u201d.\u00a0 I\u2019m being literal.\u00a0 I have to hold on to things to stay upright.\u00a0 No lie.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The body issues are not surprising. My body and I have never gotten along well. It has always fought me with exercise and eating properly. My weight issues really aren\u2019t new. Frankly, I don\u2019t expect more from my body. Of course it\u2019s going to behave like an ass. We co-exist. We agree to disagree. That is about it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Then there is the real betrayal.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The mental fight is something I am not used to. I mean, my mind and I were at one. I said, let\u2019s study, my mind said, woo hoo! Need to calculate something? Bim bam boom. Need to remember random facts and figures? No problem. I always saw my mind like a big filing cabinet. Snap my fingers and the right drawer opened with what I needed. My mind was as appalled at my body\u2019s behavior as I was. We were best buds who rarely fought and agreed on almost everything.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Not so much now.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I still see my mind as a filing cabinet, but now it is rusted, the drawers stick, and there is no rhyme or reason to the information stored there. It\u2019s like a two-year old rustled through the files, dropped a bunch on the floor, and rearranged the remaining items in no discernible order. That\u2019s on a good day. The real frustration comes when I\u2019m trying to pull a bit of information or remember a task, and a huge metal door slams down in front of the cabinet to block access. I mean, SLAM. No getting in. And everything on this side of the door is blank. The harder I try to breakthrough, the thicker the door seems to become.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
WHAT. THE. HELL.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Reading a book is torture. Between lack of focus and just having to read every word three times to remember what I have read, I get so frustrated that I just drop it. I can maybe read ten pages in one sitting. I forget the next step in whatever I am working on five seconds after identifying it. I binge watch tv shows, but if a few days elapse in between viewings, I completely forget important plot points. The hubs reminds of things that we have discussed, and I have no memory of the alleged conversations.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I have never in my life had my mind act like my enemy. Why does this happen? According to my research, it\u2019s a vague combination of side effects from chemo (thanks, Adriamycin, aka \u201cthe red devil\u201d), hormone inhibitors (Tamoxifen strikes again), anti-depressants and neuropathy meds (thanks again to chemo for those problems), and various other traumas from treatment. I\u2019m considering seeing a neuropsychologist to assess the extend of the cognitive issues and see if there are any other treatments or behavioral fixes that I am not already doing. But it is all so exhausting.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So, if I say I am tired, that is why. It\u2019s much deeper than lack of sleep or a need for a spa day. It\u2019s an eternal, every minute fight to do things to get through the day. And a feeling that it\u2019s me against every other thing in my life. Including my own body.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
That, apparently, is my new normal.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
For more information on navigating breast cancer, please see our website, www.driventosurvive.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" They always tell you it\u2019s your new normal. All I can say is, f#@k that. It\u2019s all a bloody betrayal. The new normal after cancer is constant conflict. My body has turned on me, and I pretty much want to throat punch myself everyday from frustration. I have\u2026 Continue reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1159,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[106,108,70,107,109,105,110,17],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/adult-annoyed-anxiety-133021.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1156"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1156"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1156\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1160,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1156\/revisions\/1160"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1159"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1156"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1156"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.driventosurvive.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1156"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}